I feel incredibly nervous as I type these words as I haven’t manifested myself in over four months. I went on a digital detox (in the true sense of the word, as I haven’t logged in my social media until very recently). I missed blogging terribly but I had to log off for health issues, both physical and mental ones.
Back in March, I started feeling signs of fatigue (muscle cramps, sleepiness, dizziness, trouble getting out of bed) so I went to my GP and after some blood tests which showed signs of inflammations. Since we could not pinpoint the source of it, I was required to take more tests and exams during the coming months.
Unbeknownst to me at that time, I also had all the signs of an impending depression and it hit me during the Summer. It manifested itself in such an insidious manner that I did not see it coming, to me it felt like it happened almost overnight, but retrospectively, it was a long time coming.
I can’t get into too many details but I did have to be treated for it and I still am to this day. I’m not on medication but I have had to make major life changes. I did not recognize myself, I felt as if every little bit of joy had been sucked out of me, I’d have an incongruous emotional outburst, crying at the slight contrariety and feel out of place everywhere. Then I felt as if I had morphed into a ghost: numb, shallow, overlooking things, plainly incapable of feeling or doing anything. My mind was polluted with dark thoughts and an unshakeable feeling of isolation and loneliness. I lost all self-esteem, courage, and desire to do anything with my life. All goals, dreams, and aspirations vanished. Even when I was staring at my computer screen, my brain was not able to make any sense of it. My communications skills dropped, I could not conduct a proper conversation with anyone, anymore. I could not muster the strength to do anything, I felt shallow and empty on the inside. For the past couple of months, I did not look at my Instagram, Twitter, Facebook nor checked any notifications and I barely went through emails. It feels crazy, especially when I used to be on social media on daily basis and I would feel uneasy and annoyed anytime I could not get any Wi-Fi, but this drastic detox gave me the opportunity to tackle my inner emotional turmoil while dealing with an inflammation.
I feel better but I’m still being monitored as things are not fully back to normal. Recently, I also got my wisdom tooth removed, so health has been the priority. I am back to blogging, but taking baby steps. I’ll be sharing more as I feel less fragile. Right now, I am doing okay and better than a few months ago which feels already like a world of difference to me.
Taking it step by step, day by day.
I’ve gone through a massive cleaning (from my beauty stash to my entire living space) because the anxiety I developed was overwhelming. I’ve also lost some weight since I was according to the doctor (and the BMI) a bit “overweight” (- not that I consider myself this way, but in May I was the heaviest I had ever been). The pounds piled on quickly this year and contributed to my low energy levels. I’ve taken new directions, both on personal and professional levels. My head feels massively clearer and I am determined to be the best version that I can be – but in a sustainable way.
I am looking for sustainable, deep, meaningful connections. Life is not a popularity contest and you can’t please everyone. I have had this deeply rooted fear of rejection and I’m learning to slowly get rid of it. I am done with toxic relationships. I am learning to love myself and allow to be loved in return. I’m taking care both of my mental and physical state and I’m learning to shake off this FOMO which caused me a huge disservice this year. I’m learning to go at my own pace and find my balance. I’m done making promises I can’t keep because I end up piling on too many projects, thus putting my health at risk. I felt constant guilt this year because I could not keep up with the tasks I had given myself. I am learning to say “no” more often but most importantly share how I really feel. I’m digging through the roots of my unhappiness instead of running away from my problems or shrugging them off, I’m now learning to face them and tackle them.
Everyone is going through tough times, so this post is not a pity party. To me, this experience has been the catalyst to shed a troubled layer of my being. Ultimately, I’m a firm believer that depression does not make you weaker, but stronger. I was unsure about sharing so much in a post, but I used to hide my feelings so often, pretending that all was well when things were slowly getting out of control. The result of this habit got the best of me and brought me into a lonely and vulnerable state.
I have a huge stash of emails but I’ll take them at my own pace, I’m terribly sorry I could not be in a state to reply to any of you. I have probably let people down, I have certainly let myself down but this digital break was the only solution I could find to cope with my problems and recenter. As overconnected this world is, it can also feel extremely detached and lonely which made me reconsider everything. I want to continue working and share my passion for sustainability and green beauty but I’ll proceed differently. It almost feels like a fresh start and I hope you’ll enjoy the new content.
I am looking forward to (re)connecting with you.
All my love,